Chimble’s Nightly Doodles

The other day I was walking down my neighborhood, it’s a hoody hood so there is plenty of kids running around up to no good. Few dopes sitting on the stoops and dealers hanging out on the corners. That’s my reality and reality to many of people out there.

Now I’m not a busy person so I grabbed a paper and sat down on the stoop to enjoy the sun that never comes in through my dirty window. Second page story is “Miley Cyrus” OMG she showed her back wearing a sheet for some magazine I probably cant afford to read.

Miley Cyrus teeth throwing out gang signs! Get braces!”>“OOoooO my God! What is this world coming to… not Miley!!!?” I thought to myself about the article as some old lady was swearing at the kids on the road. Its effed up times we live in. Actually seems like the society has a split personality. Ohh yeah lets get enraged with some youngin showing some skin on some magazine cover, at the same time we are turning ignorant eye to the people peddling dope under your window. I mean seriously, does crap like that really need to be mentioned in the paper…. Like we are some kind of posh and prude country that gets enraged with seeing someone’s back. What’s next beached will be outlawed? Are we going to be required to wear sweaters and pantaloons when trying to enjoy some sun? And why this whole game? Are we trying to show other countries how good and proper we are by trying to sell crap like that to our own citizens? Ohh yeah it fooled me, because while reading the article, all I saw around me was butterflies, flowers, unicorns and a rainbow.

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Today a significant part of me has died. I’m not quite sure what I should put down here, because its hard to type holding back my tears.

The day started quite well, only few days started like that so far… and now this! I don’t know if anything will fill the void… the part was dying a slow death, I knew it was on its way out but I was pushing it, patching up all the imperfections, I fed it eggs with pepper but that only contributed and accelerated its death, it choked on them… choked on the omelet. No more 12 seconds and no more grateful death, its there on the side discarded radiating of eye tearing smell. I salute you little buddy!!!

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I’m home before the late night shift at the meat packing joint, playing some free online Tetris. Just as my the game gets intensive on level 5, the doorbell rings. Pause that shit and try to beat my dog Lucky to the door, but of course he wins and starts barking like crazy. I shove him back and crack open the door, only to see this little old lady in a gray flannel trenchcoat and a black beret holding what appears to be a bible and some pamphlets. It’s not that often that I get visitors. Surely this is not a nice blond in bikini I always wish for but this should suffice.

Now, usually at this point I slam the door without saying a word. But I was in a festive mood this morning, so I smile and say “Hello.” Having won half the battle, the old lady starts her sales pitch. Today’s angle was the fear and unease we as Americans are having in response to events like 9/11.

So I first mentioned that 9/11 did indeed instill fear in me, ’cause who knows what those crazy religious extremists will do next. She missed the sarcasm in that statement and agreed, saying that those people in the “Mideast” with their 70 virgins simply don’t understand the ways of the Lord. I said “yeah, but you know they feel just as strongly about their religion as you do about yours.” She sighed and then said something about Gandhi and how even though he was a Hindu (or Muslim, she wasn’t sure), he still encouraged people to follow the teachings of Jesus from the New Testament. I kind of tuned out for the next minute or so, until I heard her mention another thing we were afraid of, the Bird Flu.

I told her I personally wasn’t really afraid of the Bird Flu, because I’m a healthy and young, and from what I’ve heard only the elderly have been dying from it. At this statement, she frowned and looked worried for a moment, but then blinked, took a deep breath, and opened her little bible to point out some other passage. I again tuned out, and in fact I was thinking about taking a dump. Or playing some more Vice City first, I couldn’t decide which one I wanted to do more.

Anyway, she hands me some pamphlets and starts giving me directions to her church. I then interrupted her and said…

“I’m sorry, but I really have to go…right now. To be honest, you kind of caught me at a bad time. About 20 minutes ago I beat a hooker to death with a baseball bat, and then stole a car. I ran over a cop, and now I’ve got the FBI on my tail. And to top it all off, I’ve really gotta take a shit.”

I closed the door, and spent the next 10 minutes reading the pamphlets while dropping a deuce.

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Every time I open the paper to read the sad story of another death in the community one thing strikes me the most. If the one that passed is quite young, the families of the victims always claiming that foul play is involved? Is it that hard to deal with the fact that little Johnny got eFFed up and played chicken with the 18 wheeler Do you really have to point at his friends that were pretty much doing everything they can to save that little alcoholic, and claim that they probably pushed him because of some BS reason?

“Ahh know mah boy didn’t choke on his own vomit and gone died! It must have been Scooter and Ester that gone killed me boy because he just got himself one of them fancy city girlfriends that has most of her toofs”

People, please realize that young people do silly things, and they die for silly reason and in silly ways. It’s hard to deal with anyone’s death, be it young or old, but one life has just been dismissed, will it make you feel that much better to ruin some other lifes along with it? Let the by gones be bygones… and we all know you are grieving do so in peace and play your attention games at some other times, this time is inappropriate.

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How to get paid without moving your finger, you ask? There is nothing free in our society. And that’s a lie!

While in jail a Bipolar man told me he gets $4000 a month! from Uncle Sam, just for being crazy.

He says it fetches him Crack, lots of it.

Also he says his brother gets $6000 a month for being schizophrenic.

Think twice before you fill out that application at local gas station. You could be getting paid twice as much, just for being yourself.

Categories : People are crazy!, Your Dark Future // Add Comment »

Its an outrage, the moral fabric of our young society is being eaten away by the greedy corporations from around the world. Our fine young American kids are targeted by not only domestic threats like rattle snakes, and mosquitoes, but by foreign invaders in the form of Japanese video games.

The usually well behaved Johnny snaps one day and brings a super soaker to school… not an ordinary super soaker but super soaker filled with urine. Now what gave Johnny that idea? Surely it must be the video games that he always plays. I’m quite confident it’s not his parents who thought him to urinate inside the storage tanks, nor his grandparents. It was probably video games, which get more and more violent, especially now with Grant Theft Auto IV (that’s a four and not “IVY” you dope) coming out, I will be afraid to leave the house. Who knows when some smart alek will push me off the bike GTA style and cause me to scrape my knees.

I wonder if there was a game where your task was to work hard, I wonder if playing it would make you in fact a hard worker. I wonder if people who played SIM Tower are now good Hotel Managers…. probably. Seems that video games have a big influence on kids, or so the grown up say when they fudged up and instead of pointing out themselves they choose to point at a game console, and the whole nation cheers them on. Why raise your kids, if you can have the video game do it? God forbid you fail, and who you will blame, yourself? That’s just crazy. Have the TV raise the youngsters and if that fails you can always sure someone.

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One thing that annoys me, as my friends from childhood are dropping off the earth, is the obituaries located in the papers. Be it the biggest loser and/or dick that croaks, there will be quotations of people saying how good and caring the person was. Well I know the dead dude, and so most likely everyone else that read their obituary, and we pretty much can judge on our own how the person was. Weel, unless you are one of those people that reads O-Bits to track down job openings.

Just once in my life, I want to go to funeral and hear a true and honest eulogy. I want the euologist, to tell it how it is. Not just throw out a string of profanities but a well formulated 2 pager on how the dead person was pretty much a leach on the society.

I meet dicks everywhere, and yet I’m to read that some of them had died… maybe rude people don’t die, and only the good ones die off…. hmmm

Categories : Your Dark Future // Add Comment »

Fast car is every young males dream. The goal of course is not to get to 7/11 as fast as you can to purchase milk that mom asked you to buy but to be cool and race a fellow ricer for the ultimate bragging rights.

Saving money for college is so uncool and useless, one is better spending that money to pimp out their Tercel by installing aluminum carpet and a battery powered turbo off ebay (10% h.p gain at fraction of the costs!) Why save for something in the future if you can use that money wisely now. So every kids all over this continent are mowing the lawn with a smile that it gets them that much closer to their dream coil over setup.

On the other hand, I can understand kids in H.S. who do this… Chimbles forgives them. After all it’s kind of hard at this age to kill yourself driving drunk, but never too late to take yourself out along with few other lives by driving like a jack ass. It’s the next big thing. Now, show me a guy that has a wife, and perhaps kids, and a pimped out Civic and I will show you a loser. If at this stage in life, you still think your biggest priority is breaking into 15’s on the quarter, perhaps you deserve to hit the highway divider doing 80+ in the 55 zone. Also at that age, no matter how much you spent on your intake, you are a loser and pretty much will always be one.

So kids instead of pouring your money into the Japanese market go and get yourself a savings account and see what that money can do for you in the future.

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As a frequent flier of the judicial system of the U.S. prison system I decided to share with you a little slice of heaven. Of course the ultimate punishment and deterrent for you not to act ass is the chances of going to jail.

The thought process is simple, should I act like an ass clown, and is it worth going to jail over. Sure you have managed to cause little mischief here and there, but punching the clown behind your tool shed in the bushes is hardly a reason to do hard time.

Get out of jail card? Dude thats a joke and a half, why would you want to get out. So if you have no life, your job sucks, and stuff is not going well you should definitely think about spending some time in the clink. First and foremost it will give you a chance to meet The Dog, bounty hunter. Actually the guys that will show up will be as trashy as The Dawg, but also will be skinny punks, that pride themselves in obtaining a GED. And since our country is so awesome they are able to carry guns on their person, and ride around in their mom’s van busting criminals. It just bugs my mind that the state would choose these clowns to represent them… in fact where is the police that they have to outsource the apprehension of criminals to some hicks? Well, those questions will not be answered, as I have no clue.

The story goes like that. I was chilling in the crib on the net, in my boxers scratching the sack, browsing myspace. When all of the sudden I’m on the floor with a knee in my back. Thats when I was cordially informed that I have missed my court date, steaming from my arrest for possession of nunchuks. I tried to explain to them that I have asthma and am no threat to public at large, but these guys driven by their egos, packed me into their mom’s van. And from them on I went to jail. I was like everyone else, always afraid for my ass, and thought the worse.

When I got there I could not hide the shock on how nice the place looked. Yeah it was a holding cell for now, but I had my own toilet, a semi comfy bench and a telephone. It was only the beginning of things to come. After that I got a nice ride in a van with other fellow hard felons… we were going on a field trip to the prison.

Prison surprisingly was nice, and besides the lack of privacy, it was great. Imagine sitting in a giant school gym like hall with walls made of fence and about 8 people to a “room.” Now these people were not violent at all, and in fact probably nicer to each other than general public on the outside. No road rash, or some old people lecturing you about smoking in front of pharmacy, and food was decent too. If one is bored there is always a rec room with big ass TV, crap load of classes, a gym, or you can just simply sit there and play cards with the fellows. best part of this, it was all for FREE. So if you have hard time getting the ends to meet, please consider prison.

I have been to hospital plenty of times, and this food is 100 percent better, in fact you can buy some more if your mommie sends you some cash. You don’t have to work, and can probably enjoy more freedoms and leaisure time than you could on the outside.

The guards, or COs, are quite nice too. They understand that its ying yang out in the clink. They don’t piss prisoners off, and prisoners don’t cause trouble. Win- win situation for all. Also you get assigned a counselor, just like in H.S., who basically is your mommy… you just tell that person what you need and what the problem is and they will take care of it.

Sometimes you get to ride in the van, to court or other institutions and that is quite nice too. I mean everyone always recommends networking, and what is the better place than with people who think just like you. I tried that linkedin site, I tried to make friends int eh grocery bagging industry and I had hard time meeting anyone. Here, no, you could assemble a true wonder team. A car burglar, domestic violence ninja, explosives expert… anything you want, and they are happy to share their knowledge because they have nothing better to do.

So when I got out of the clink, I had my A+ certification, knew some karate, and made tons of friends. If for even a second I will feel hunger, i will reach out to my new friends and we will do something crazey… and if we get caught, no biggie, its back to being spoon fed and pampered… and picking up new skills, like how to use a slim jim, or execute the perfect home invasion. Where else can you pick up street knowledge like that for FREE… even community college will cost you minimum 10K and youwill not learn anything there… and in addition you still would have to buy your own lunch and wash your own clothing… no thank you

Categories : People are crazy! // 1 Comment »

Meet any recent college graduate. Talk to them. First thing you hear from their mouth is how they would constantly party, and the only thing that they brought out of the 4 year (hopefully) stint with the higher education is a worthless diploma and alcoholism. In fact, in your conversation, the diploma is not going to get mentioned that much, after all the individual can not remember what s/he has majored in and when finally exclaims Communications or Family Studies it’s more in the guessing tone than actual proclamation. The sorority or fraternity they belonged to will be the highlight of their future life, overshadowing any events past or future. In fact don’t be surprised when you ask someone their name and they scream out “Delta Epsilon”… well they have simply forgot their name, but the name of their greek-ity will be etched in the frontal lobes forever.

So you have this failure, or mass of flesh constantly failing in life. They forgot what was preached to them in school, and thus are not that sharp when it comes to interviewing for job… but not like they care about obtaining one that bad anyways, and do it only because daddy talked to someone in the firm and they are just fulfilling the obligation to the parents so they wont cut them off.

Congratulations dad, you just have paid over $50K in tuition (I’m being conservative here), just to have your kid come back home as a wreck, but with new found hobby of everything alcohol.

On the other hand believe it or not, this is not as bad as it may seem, and to some degree prepared Junior for the life to come. Job market is crappy, no future aspects yet; perhaps after elections there will be something. Money is short, but there is plenty time. But what to do with that time? Well, Junior can always sleep till 1 p.m., and he most likely does. But what after he opens his eyes? All his colleagues are broke as hell, and scratch finding a real hobby because everything costs an arm and a leg now. Could always earn some extra cash by mowing lawns, but daddy furiously declines to loan out his lawn mower, and loudly exclaims That no son of his, especially a college graduate will be cutting lawns… theres pride on the line. Could go to the park, but after sundown cops will swarm out of the bushes and accuse Junior of trying to poison the ducks… and if things go well they will not declare him a terrorist… such times we live in that any step outseide of the law gets you declared a terrorist. Junior cold go to an empty field with his broke buddies to have a little bon fire, but that would be considered trespassing. Hiking at nigh is also out of the questions. Even sitting on the curb in front of the house is a risky business, it may enrage the neighborhood watch and they will surely call the cops. So where can Junior go?

TO THE BAR! The only place that will not get you declared a terrorist and is free of harassment by THE MAN

Funny how officials, to resolve the youth drinking problems, raise fines instead of providing some alternative

All dressed up and ready for the first interview!
Thanks dad for the hook up!

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