While some of us are concentrated on whining how McDonald’s food is repulsive, on the other side of the world people are starving. Well correction… according to hmm Salvation Army there are millions of starving here at home in the U.S. Sure we do kind things for them during, like listening to local Food Share babble ads on the radio during Thanksgiving period. “We are only 1000 turkeys away from our goal!” I do wonder how that works, do Food Share people (who obviously need to knock off court appointed community hours) drive around to trailer park and randomly knock on doors handing out turkeys? I also wonder how many of those poor chaps got shot delivering the bird?However, people around the world are more crafy, while you whine about the fact that hot dogs are probably made from pig ears here what others are doing to eat:
Road Kill Combo #5 - As people get hungrier and hungrier they think of new and creative ways to turn garbage into food. I do give them props into making it look semi delicious. I know the food is nasty but still can’t help from having my tommy rumble when I look at the picture. I wonder what that stuff on the left is… looks like little pretzels… I bet they are delicious.
Receipe:
1) Find road kill, or a relative that has not been moving for at least five days
2) Find a big pot to house all your new found treasures
3) Add water, acid rain water will be optimal… BAM YOU GOTTA KICK IT UP A NOTCH
4) Do not add any salt or spices, this thing got the flavor already locked in it
5) Cook for 15 minutes to mix all the nutrients
6) Consume - Makes a meal for 3 fatsos or feeds 2 starving villages in Africa for 8 months, if serving to guests put alike items together… eyes with eyes, ears with ears and ad a cauliflower for a visual
Insect Bites - I’m not talking about that time a mosquito bit you giving you the Nile Virus and chlamydia, I’m talking about some delicious snacks with only 20 calories per quarter of cookie! Now to the point… Do you hate when the cookies you buy lose their crunchiness? I mean the packaging boldly states that they are the crunchy types, but five minutes from opening the damn box the cookies go soft, and taste like a cow pie on a hot and humid summer day… cementing your mouth wide open. Well, not these cookies, these cookies stay crunchy forever. Forever? Forever ever! And they are easy to make, with simple ingredients found in the Back to School section of your favorite corner store.
1) Ingridients: Cookies from the store (preferably the crunchy type), Elmer’s Glue “Extra Toxic”, and unwashed window or tool shed.
2) Collect the crunchy insects quite possibly found on the sill of every window in your house, behind the rear window in your dad’s el-camino, the floor of the tool shed also house a lot of deliciousness.
3) Glue the new found treasures using Elmer’s “Extra Toxic” to the cookies… make sure to lick your fingers clean afterwards. Spit gluing, even though cost effective, will only work for up to five minutes.
4) Leave the hybrid modified cookies on the table, and resist temptation, pass out during Halloween. Trick or treat My ASS!!
On the go snack - Are you constantly in motion, quite possibly traveling from in front of your computer to the fridge, then the bathroom to be back at your computer? Well let me teach you what they teach people in fancy business schools. First you need to optimize and streamline your routines (and diversify your portfolio, but thats for later!) Second you need to learn how to multi-task. Multitasking is the new buzzword in the business circles, it means doing couple things at the same time! And it looks great on your resume too. So taking everything we learned today and putting it together, you do the following things: Computer -> Fridge -> Crapper. To optimize it, we would eliminate one of the things, like going to the fridge. To multitask we need you to eat while you crap. This will result in giving you more time to spend on AOL, and quite possibly more time to be hooking up with hot mommies in the chatrooms. IMPOSSIBLE! - you say. Well, it was impossible until recently when On the Go Snack was invented. The best part is that stuff costs basically next to nothing!
1 ) Find some pig stomachs, horse stomachs, cat stomachs (for the pocket sized snack on the go snack), if none to be located you can use a shopping bag.
2) Rummage through garbage behind a chain restaurant to find any kind of foods: M&Ms, apple peals, old bologna, dog food
3) Stuff the stomachs with all the goodies found in the garbage can.
4) Check the oven if it works by turning it on on high and putting your head in it for couple minutes… if you get sleepy thats OK
5) Throw all that stuff into the oven, and cook until the fire alarm goes of
6) Tie the resulting food sacks into your belt loop, and go do your thing
Beef Simpleton - Named for the fact that its easy to make, so don’t get offended! If on the go snack, takes too long for you to make (because you are important businessman) and Road Kill Combo #5 sounds delicious, but you don’t want that much food… the simple solution is simpleton beef. Simpleton is based on road kill too, which offers the benefit of being literally free… heck someone may even thank you for picking up garbage on the road. So grab that opossum, or squirrel and bring it home. You will be benefiting the society, and yourself as well. It also wouldn’t hurt to walk down to City Hall and find out if you are eligible for some kind of tax break for picking up and consuming garbage. If they look at you weaird demand to talk to the Mayor, people on the bottom never have their facts straights, so go straight to the top.
Anyways heres how you prepare this tasty and very safe snack:
1) Find road kill of preferable size for the meal, if it’s too big don’t be a pig, someone else may have a whole family to feed!
2) Throw the roadkill in the chain and spokes area of your moped until everything is chopped up into little pieces.
3) Collect little pieces, and put them on the plate… say grace and consume.
“Wait what about cooking?” Well buddy, you don’t cook that baby… thats the beauty and simplicity of it! Enjoy!
Well I just got hungry writing all this stuff for you… so I guess I will go and snack up on something… I yet have to master the multitasking part of life. Bong Aperitif (thats French for hmm “Super Size please” I think… trust the French they know what they are doing, they have been eating frogs for ages!)
Did you enjoy this culinary escapade? Sure you did. Now while you can’t move from all the deliciousness you just consumed, check out these funny license plates!
Categories : Internet is FUNNY, People are crazy! // 4 Comments »
I find it amazing that our main priority is not to investigate and solve the educational problems. Sure the budget for education is about $55+ billions, and for NASA the estimated budget for 2008 $17+ billion. But will someone sit down and prioritize what this country really needs. Do we really need to know if there is ice on Mars? Heck I have ice in the refrigerator and it doesn’t cost me a penny to go and discover it! Even if there is ice, will that benefit the regular Joe Shmoe that makes a good bulk of this society? No. Heck even if we found gold out there, or better yet diamonds, we would still end up spending more than benefiting.
What I especially hate about NASA is the manned mission. Sending out people in Yugo of a rocket suppose to be heroic? That is just crap and waste of money, with most of the mission funds going into maintain the crew alive instead of focusing on so-called goals of finding useless crap, and then flooding front pages of newspapers with crap like “One of the astronauts thinks he smelled a fart on Mars, please send us money so we can investigate who farted!” And I know that is an exaggeration, but same applies if they found evidence of water, ice, or even bugs… Who gives a damn?
(<- This smilie is cheesy)
