First and foremost I’m quite amazed that you even managed to have a girlfriend. Looking at my statistics here, an average Chimbles.com browser has no sense of fashion, doesn’t shower that often, and is missing most of the teeth due to poor hygiene. I’m sure this equates for you ex to be just as extraordinary.
Short story long she got fed up with your attempts to grow cheese in your arm pits, and decided to break it of. Plus that radiating odor, hidden under Axe, made her allergies flare up. It just wasn’t meant to be.
Sure your heart is broken, and Chimbles understands that. That’s why this secret guide that only you have access to is here. This guide (based on the finest tactics of the Delta and Bravo Special Forces) written in pain, sweat and blood was assembled to consolidate you at the hard times, and offer superior advice to getting your life back on tracks.
First step is to evaluate if she was right for you, and understood your desires. And even if not chances are high you will not find a mate any time soon. This will lead your moms questioning your sexual preferences and other problems will soon follow along… like for instance utensils flying in your direction at the family table.
Turn that frown upside down. After you have considered if she was right for you and came up with the No answer, you still need to get her back anyways, unless playing pocket pool is fine with you. To get her back your mind needs to kick into a primitive mode. How does a hunter get his pray… simply, he tracks it. Thus you should begin your preparations to stalk your ex.
Stalking will require some effort, and you might even sweat a bit during this process. First (part Recon in Special Forces talk) you need to add all her MySpace friends, even those you hate, as your friends. This way you can see if she left any comments in their profile about you or any signs of competition. Second you need, to check the air pressure on your Huffy, as you will never know when rapid deployment will be necessary. Third you need to confirm that your health insurance is still effective, that’s in the case that she found a replacement.
Let me give you a word of advice; forget roses and all that shmoopy stuff. So far your niceness only worked against you. It’s time to get serious. So going along… fourth (part Equipment in SF talk) you need to find a good set of binoculars, and a compass so you can at moments notice be able to evacuate yourself from a dangerous situation. Fifth clear up your calends (ha ha ha that was a joke, I’m sure you have nothing scheduled for next 5 years anyways). Six get a pair of good running shoes, and if possible try to score some fatigues from the Navy Surplus Store, alternatively ask your grandpa for his old World War 1 stuff…leave the scythe behind, as it may raise suspicion, and you want to delay the involvement of local enforcement for as long as possible.
As soon as you scope her activities on MySpace and applied shoe polish to your face, be prepared to move out at a moments notice (Deployment). Pedal over to her house, and deploy signaling rocks at the window pane in her room. It is crucial that you use best of your judgment to select light enough gravel not to break her window but yet be effective enough to know that someone outside is demanding her attention… this one may be tricky. However, repeat this process until you get some kind of response, or you break the god damned window.
You can expect two types of responses. If her old man shows up at the door with a shotgun you have two options. One, utilize your ninja skills and grandpas uniform and pretend you are a shrubbery, that grew over the night in their front lawn, or you can run like hell… abandon the bike, binoculars, and compass as those will only slow you down (Retreat).
The preferred outcome in this situation (Mission Engagement) is that your princess will grace you with her presence by sticking out her dome piece out of the window. Your natural instinct will be to throw more rocks in that direction, but you must control yourself. At this moment in time it is crucial that you act like an alpha male, so no stuttering, or sluggish posture. Let her know that you are a man and can provide and defend her if need be. Try to feed her some sappy story how it’s really a tough period in your life… I dunno tell her your hamster is hibernating and you have no one to play with… make up something. If your sappy story doesn’t work resort to being aggressive. Girls like rude guys so this may potentially work. Now if this fails accuse her of being a slut and probably sleeping around just like you suspected last year when she was at the camp over the summer.
Take Chimbles word for it, one of these three suggestions has to work as there is no other alternative left!
However if the above bullet proof guide still fails, you have messed up somewhere along the way… you simply just can’t follow direction, and don’t deserve a girlfriend… please resume crying, punching the clown and playing World of Warcraft; all at the same time. And when you get banned from WoW for using cheats, and come to understand where you went wrong with this special secret guide, repeat the process again. I’m sure you will have plenty of time to get it working right eventually.
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Categories : Love Life // 7 Comments »
Why Cosmo you ask? Well, Cosmo is just pure comedy gold disguised as help magazine for women. Guys know its a lady mag so they try to stay away to retain their macho attitude. But not me, I’m one of those phantom bathroom dudes. You know the one that’s always int he bathroom no matter what time you go there. Same dude that you see going about the stalls with a rolled up magazine under his arm. That’s right folks, I treat the bathroom at work like my own personal library. It’s a perfect sanctuary… well imaginary sanctuary that is inconveniently located next door to waste disposal facility. But regardless of the facts, I have chosen Cosmo as my bathroom buddy not because of the ladies plastered all over the ads, but because it was fat and thick, and somehow there was a whole bunch of them in the cafeteria. So now I could afford to sit on the potty for almost an hour and still keep reading versus that 10 minutes it took to read Mad Mag from cover to the foldy cover.
Seems like every issue offers new and creative ways of “training your man.” Yup man are dogs, and we are the princesses is the moral story every month. Tricks to take half of his ish are on every other page, ways to make your man think and act like you are on the other side of that every page.
